As parents, we are hard-wired to want happiness for our kids. We often find ourselves going to great lengths to protect them from disappointment, frustration, loss, or distress. When they suffer, we suffer with them and it’s natural to want to make them happy again. But, what if chasing happiness at all costs can actually create more distress in the long run?

In his book The Happiness Trap, Dr Russ Harris explores this idea: the modern fixation with being happy all the time can lead us to become trapped by our own thoughts and emotions. Instead of helping us thrive, it can leave us feeling more anxious, disconnected, and discouraged — especially when life inevitably throws up challenges (it’s a great book, if you’re looking for a new read).

The alternative? One of the greatest indicators of mental well-being is psychological flexibility. We can learn to feel what we feel, notice our thoughts without being ruled by them, and still take meaningful action towards the kind of life we want to live.

As a parent, it means our job isn't to shield our kids from every negative emotion or uncomfortable moment. It’s to equip them to handle life’s ups and downs with resilience, courage, and self-awareness.

It’s not about raising kids who are always happy. It’s about raising kids who are confident, competent, and able to handle whatever life throws at them.

Here are three powerful shifts inspired by The Happiness Trap that we can make as parents:

1. Normalise ALL feelings, not just happy ones.

Instead of trying to "fix" sad, angry, or anxious feelings, help your child name and notice them. Say things like:

“It makes sense that you’re feeling disappointed. That was really important to you.”

When we validate emotions, we teach children that feelings come and go, and they don’t have to control their actions.

2. Teach them to observe their thoughts, not be trapped by them.

Kids often believe every thought that pops into their head: “I’m dumb,” “No one likes me,” “I can’t do this.”

Try gently helping them step back:

“That sounds like a mean thought. Can we take a look at it together?” or “That sounds like your thoughts are telling you things that aren’t true”. 

This helps children develop distance from unhelpful thoughts, rather than being driven by them.

3. Focus on values and action, not comfort.

Rather than asking, “How can I make this better?” try asking:

“What kind of person do you want to be in this situation?”

Helping kids connect to their values, including kindness, courage and curiosity, gives them an anchor when emotions are stormy. It also teaches them that their feelings and behaviour are two separate things; I can feel angry and still behave appropriately.

In the long run, by nurturing psychological flexibility, we’re helping our children grow into adults who don’t panic when life gets hard, can stay true to themselves, and are ready for the full, rich, messy beauty of life. 

Which hopefully, brings them a LOT of happiness. 

Fiona Harris
School Psychologist | Clinical Psychologist